The Act of Acceptance: Parenting Through a Different Lens

Acceptance is a hard concept for many of us to wrap our heads around. Acceptance is often confused with approval or agreement, and the idea of accepting something that we dislike can feel like giving in or even giving up. I’d like to share my perspective on how acceptance can be a useful aide in parenting and help parents to view themselves and their children through a different lens. 

Acceptance has nothing to do with approval! It is an acknowledgment that there are certain “truths” that just are. It allows those we love and ourselves to be authentic without judgment. These truths that we accept are neither good nor bad, neither positive nor negative. They are not likely to change in the near future. But the focus isn’t on taking away the thing that we dislike or view as a barrier - the focus is on changing how we approach it. 

Here’s an easy scenario that many parents have encountered. We’ll dissect this scenario to think about what acceptance for yourself as a parent and of your child looks like.

You have a 13-year-old daughter named Monica. Monica struggles with anxiety, and that often causes her to avoid social situations. You have talked to Monica several times about the importance of spending time with her peers and are very concerned about her lack of friendships. You’ve taken her to outings where there are other kids, but Monica often sits alone, her head buried in a book or on her phone. This frustrates you, and you are feeling lost as a parent. You’ve seen her have positive interactions with friends before, and it feels like she turns her anxiety on and off without explanation. How do you learn to accept her struggles with socializing, while battling your fear of how Monica’s anxiety will negatively impact her ability to be successful in the future?

“Acceptance, when parenting, means acknowledging who your child is at this current time... ”

Acceptance, when parenting, means acknowledging who your child is at this current time, rather than who you want them to be in the future. Failing to acknowledge who your child is at this moment can set parents up for disappointment, while also communicating that disappointment to their child. In the above scenario, we can accept that Monica struggles with social interactions. Acceptance when parenting Monica involves trying to determine when she is more comfortable with socializing, rather than situations where she is not, so you can plan more outings that support her comfort. Monica may do better when she knows someone. Does Monica do better when the group is smaller? Or when the activity is more silent? There’s no judgment of what Monica should be doing, just praise for doing what she does well when she does it. Notice I didn’t say parents have to be ok with how Monica’s anxiety impacts her. I didn’t even say that you should suspend your feelings about it. And you shouldn’t try to because you’re not a robot. But we can focus on where Monica does well, rather than when she doesn’t, and not encourage Monica to be someone that she is not going to be in this moment.

In that same scenario of encouraging Monica to socialize, let’s think about how you, as a parent, would react. Will you get frustrated and constantly say things like, “Go over there and talk to Sarah,” or “Oh my God, I spent so much time putting this together, and all you’re doing is sitting on your phone”? Acceptance of ourselves can be very difficult. Many parents often judge themselves based on how they perceive that others will view their children. Or fear that who Monica is at 13 will be who she is forever (and thank goodness most of us change a whole lot after 13!). But let’s think - if we knew that this situation would cause Monica anxiety, why did we plan it? Is our anxiety at play? Are we wanting Monica to be different, but maybe haven’t acknowledged that to ourselves? Are we adding pressure to Monica and ourselves that makes it difficult for her to socialize and discuss her struggles? 

“Allowing ourselves to accept those things that we cannot change, noticing them without judgment, and encouraging our children to work towards their goals can have an empowering impact... ”

By accepting your own emotions and reactions, you can plan ahead and consider how you want to approach Monica, which activities to avoid, and identify the coping skills you need to have a productive conversation with Monica rather than an emotionally charged one. 

Here are a few tips for inviting acceptance into your life:

• Noticing without judging: Noticing without judgment encourages us to observe what is happening without assigning an emotional response to it. To perceive a person, action, or situation through neutral eyes. Monica doesn’t enjoy large social events with people she doesn’t know—end of sentence. I tend to get aggravated when Monica buries her face in a book. No emotion. No negative self-talk. Just an observation.

• Staying committed to your goals: We often want to wait for the uncomfortable thing in our lives to stop before we move towards our goals. We can be uncomfortable and still focus on our goals. The goal is for Monica to socialize, not the activity she’s engaging in or the number of people present. So, if Monica left the house and is sitting near the other kids but not talking to them, has she met the goal? And who defined this goal, and is it a reasonably obtainable goal at this time for Monica?

• Focus on a solution rather than on the problem: Look for areas where Monica is successful and maximize them. You have been invited to a party with your neighbors and their kids. You want to go, but Monica will hate it! But you know that Monica is less anxious and more comfortable when her friend Samantha is around, so let’s invite Samantha to the party. Now both you and Monica will be at ease, and your chances of having a good time have increased.

• Let go of what we cannot control: It is a normal part of parenting to want to take away your child’s hurt, pain, and struggles. You hate seeing Monica get anxious - the shaking, the crying, the cowering into herself breaks your heart. We can’t control Monica’s anxiety, but we can help her and ourselves develop coping skills so the anxiety doesn’t overtake anyone’s lives. 

Allowing ourselves to accept those things that we cannot change, noticing them without judgment, and encouraging our children to work towards their goals can have an empowering impact on how we perceive ourselves as parents, as well as how we perceive our children. Remember, your child is more than a collection of symptoms or behaviors. The path that you or your child travels may have more curves and bumps than what you perceive others’ paths to have, but the scenic route is often beautiful and allows for more memories to be built along the way.

For more information on how acceptance can empower you to parent the child you have, check out the following articles.

Empowered Parenting Requires Radical Acceptance. 

Radical Acceptance – Parenting the Child You Have.